Strange as it seems, millions of us believe we are not in control of our actions and emotions. Whole political systems have been developed, based on this false notion that we can't decide in our own best interest, so we need politicians to decide for us, with seat belt laws, trans-fat laws, etc. This article isn't about politics, but about discovering what really motivates our decisions and how to use that to make better decisions...ones we really want. If you've ever wondered why you did something or if you suffer from addiction, anxiety, eating disorders or any number of dysfunctions, read on...this article is for you.
You Make Me Angry! How many times have we said something like "he makes me mad," to place the blame for our emotions on someone else? Who knows...right now you may be thinking of times you've done this recently. Let me ask you a question! If someone is such a jerk as to anger you, why would you want them in control of how you feel? You don't? Good...because they aren't...you are. When we believe other people "make" us feel a certain way, we're giving them control over our emotions.
If I can control your emotions, I can control a lot of your decisions and actions. We all know this to be true. The squeaky wheel gets the most grease because the squeaking gives us emotional pain. Kids are expert at this! Here's an example that proves you control your own emotions: Courtship...you know...all those gifts and compliments and fancy dinners? You also know that getting that kind of attention from someone you don't have romantic feelings for is called...stalking. No, your fianc� didn't make you feel complete; you did that because you were getting romantic attention from someone you had romantic desires for. By the way, this also means it's impossible to "fall" in or out of love. We decide to have those feelings and we decide when we don't, no matter how convenient it is to think otherwise.
I Just Couldn't Help It! As much as we control our emotions, we control our actions more. "I couldn't stop myself" may work for a child, but part of being grown up is being in control of ourselves, or at least being progressively more in control as the years go on. Imagine a grown man trying to buy food in a clothing store. Upon hearing they have no food, he throws himself on the floor and starts crying and screaming demands for food. Every action is a decision. Of course we can keep from doing harmful things, if we decide to.
I remember resenting the people around me who said, "When you want to quit smoking, you'll be able to." For years, I thought I was controlled by the cigarettes. Guess what! When I wanted to, I quit, in Oct 1989, and haven't had a cigarette since. It isn't that I'm unsympathetic to all those suffering addiction...just the opposite! I've been addicted to booze, drugs, sex, food, etc. I care so much for your recovery that I'm willing to tell you the truth...you can get better if you want. The addiction does not control you...you control you.
I Can't Do It Because (insert lie here): Ever had someone tell you, "I don't have time to see you?" That's a lie that's become acceptable, even necessary in our culture because the truth is insulting. The truth is, "You're not important enough in my life for me to spend time with you." These kinds of lies limit our ability to accomplish things. I remember all the time I was growing up, hearing the adults say there was no more opportunity, things were so much better before, 'the man was keeping us poor', etc. You know...excuses for why they didn't pursue their dreams. People actually repeat such things in front of their kids and then wonder why the kids aren't interested in trying in school or in life.
I remember giving up on several dreams I had as a kid because people had convinced me it was impossible. Now, when I hear my generation spouting the same garbage in front of kids, I make it a point to show them (and the kids) where they're wrong, making me very popular at family gatherings. Sure, you want kids to be prepared for the bad things in life, but the message far too many of them are getting is that life is a bad thing. Just because we bought into the lie our parents used as an excuse for not trying doesn't mean we have to perpetuate that lie any longer in our lives or in our children. Nothing is easy, but if it's good, and honest and something you've dreamed of doing, you can do it, if you accept no excuses.
How Our Beliefs Influence Our Actions: We've hinted around this idea of belief in every paragraph above. Now, let's approach it directly. If you believed the terrorists had planted a bomb where you work and it would be detonated some time during your shift tomorrow, killing everyone, would you be at work tomorrow? If you believed there was no bomb, but that some time tomorrow your boss would be giving you a $1,000,000 bonus if he finds you there, working, would you allow anything to keep you from work? This law of belief and motivation drives our every decision and action, from the emotions we feel, to the drugs we take, to the dreams we try to achieve, even the way we approach our jobs and families.
About 3,000 years ago, a guy named Solomon wrote, "As a man thinks in his heart, so is he." Anton Chekhov abbreviated it to, "Man is what he believes." The fact is, there is no way to separate us from our beliefs...we are bound to follow them. Just as the anorexic believes she's fat and starves herself to death and the IV drug addict believes he needs the substance enough to kill for it, all our actions and emotions are driven by our beliefs.
This unbreakable link between beliefs, emotions and actions makes us feel like someone else is in control, but it gives us a powerful tool to exercise our own control and motivate our actions. So many of our beliefs were given us while we weren't looking, by people who didn't know they were wrong and had no idea how they were influencing us. To regain control, we must skeptically examine the beliefs that motivate our undesirable feelings and actions, to determine which beliefs are incorrect and destructive. We must also pour into our minds any and all new beliefs and facts that will motivate positive and productive actions and emotions. You can use my Human Behavior BAR Cycle article for more detail on how to alter your beliefs to change your actions.
What I'm suggesting, I've been doing for over 20 years. It's very difficult and very rewarding work. It's a root solution to almost all the modern dysfunctions. When considering whether the work is worthwhile, ask yourself, "Do I want to miss my $ 1,000,000 bonus because I thought someone planted a bomb?"
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